What's up with Chinese people and compliments? It's like the two don't go together. This is the kind of stuff I think about when I am suppose to be doing Continued Education for my CPA license and I am procrastinating. But seriously, you won't find too many Chinese that offers compliments and praises to other people freely. Its not just the older generation, it's my generation too. Its like they are allergic to saying good things to people. But you will find people ready to criticize on the first count of any seemingly unconventional behavior. I was walking with K to Daiso on a chilly day last week. Two grandmas walking toward us said in Cantonese thinking I wouldn't understand , "What mother don't put a jacket on that little girl." She had on a sweater dress with inside layers. What they didn't know is that I DID put a jacket on her, but she insisted on taking it off. Well, I don't have to prove myself to anyone, so I ignored their comments and moved on. Perhaps people don't compliment others because if they dish out compliments, then there wouldn't be enough for themselves. As if complimenting people will take away from who they are. Or perhaps people don't want to praise others fearing that it will give them a big head.
The funny thing is that I heard Chinese people praise people of other cultures more than other Chinese. Maybe when Chinese interact with cultures that often praise people, we are compel to do that same. But to each other, there seems to be certain protocol that innately built in. Not sure if I observed right, but it's how it seems to me. At potluck, when a Caucasian friend bring a dish, people would say, "This is delicious! You are such a good cook." When your Chinese friend bring a dish, no one makes a comment or they would asked, "Did you make this?" When you answered yes, they would simply nod. Am I right?
Then I sat and thought about why I don't compliment people more. Not to put the blame on anyone else, but one reason is that when someone is not raised with compliments, they don't think about offering compliments. So its not natural to them. I do find that I have to consciously remind myself to give people praises. This is something I am working on. I try to tell people a job well done when they put in the effort and time. I also don't praise my kids when they are doing something they are supposed to. Why? Because they are suppose to do it, it's part of their chores. I don't get praise for cooking dinner every night because it's what I am suppose to do. But it's sure is nice when people tell me that they like my food. Studies have shown that people who received positive reinforcement will likely repeat that behavior. So yes, my kids did the chores they are suppose to do, but when they are praised for it, then they are more likely to do it again willing and happily. I was also afraid that when I offer too many praises, then they have an overinflated self-esteem. What if they tried and didn't do well? Should that be praised too? Do more praises means lying sometimes? Well, no. I can praise my kids for their effort if the result is not up standard. I don't have to say they did a good job if they didn't. But I can give encouragement for trying. So perhaps my New Year's resolution is to praise and compliment people more.
